Depression Strikes Again...

I don't know why, but I've suddenly become depressed...  Maybe it has something to do with sleeping all day, not having any money, and no job...  Perhaps it's connected to my birthday coming up on Monday, being a failure at love, and not having a creative bone in my body...  or maybe it's just that I haven't gotten enough sunshine today.  But, I'm down.

All week, I've been promising myself that I would record some music.  I've figured out how to get the settings right, and how to use Garage Band...  I have all the right equipment.  But, I just don't feel like doing this.  Honestly, I haven't really felt like playing much at all lately.  Some rocker I'll be if I can't "turn on" the performance even when I don't feel like it.  

So, here I am, starting my third week on Kimmie's couch, depressed as hell because I feel like a bum and a moocher and a loser.  I am seeking the Lord for the next step in my journey, and no answers are coming... so, I stay here for the time being.  I plan on going home next weekend -- to see my family, file my taxes, and watch my sister's drumline performance.  Honestly, I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want to tick everyone off for not coming to see them.  

Anyway, I've been talking to my buddy Tristy (Christy), and she always has a way of lifting my spirits...  I love her so much... 

Okay, I think I've written my way into musical inspiration, so I'm gonna sign off and lay down some tracks.  

  

Still Broke but Happy...

Okay, so I've guilt-tripped myself into writing. Not really sure what could be interesting enough to blog about, but here goes.

This week has been nice, and I can't BELIEVE it's already Friday!

Monday was rainy and gross, but Tracy and I went downtown to pick up applications from some of the up-scale restaurants.  Didn't get any call-backs... grrrr...

Monday night, I subjected Tracy and some friends to poetic torture as they all joined me at an open mic night at East Bay Meeting House. Little did I realize that we'd be forced to listen to two hours of poems before any musicians would be allowed onstage. Oh well, the real fun happened after we left anyway. I had been talking about how I had been wanting to go downtown and busk for money (play on the street). Nobody was really ready to go home, so Nathan suggested that I pull my guitar out and practice my skills. WHAT FUN! I played every three-chord song I could think of, and we rocked out.

From Explore. Dream. Discover.

Tuesday I went to Tracy's horseback riding lesson. Teddy, the horse she's riding, was obsessed with my sweater and constantly tried to pull it off me!

From Explore. Dream. Discover.

From Explore. Dream. Discover.

Tuesday night, Tracy and I went to Genesis. Worship was fantastic, the message challenging. It was nice. Last week, we went to sing Karaoke at Wild Wings... Of course, the girls made me get on stage, and I sang "Before He Cheats"... Between that and "Angel From Montgomery" I'm starting to build up some signature songs.

From Explore. Dream. Discover.

Wednesday, Tracy kept Owen and Rose. We went to Barnes and Noble to play with the train set and came back to Kimmie's house for lunch. I got out my guitar and Owen danced and played along... He's SO stinkin cute! He turns two in a few months, but I swear, he's the smartest kid... I taught him "Free Falling" and later that evening, he cracked his dad up with his new favorite song!

From Explore. Dream. Discover.

Wednesday night, I went with Nicole to St. Andrews for Bible study. The message was about allowing God to be LORD of our lives. The speaker tied it into The Chronicles of Narnia and how Aslan was more than just a comforter and protector, he was the RULER of Narnia.  Anyway, it made me wonder whether I was allowing God to be the King of my life, or if He was just a "Mr. Rogers Jesus"... some nice old man who listens to my problems and gives me a hug and puts a band-aid on the boo-boo and sends me away.  While God IS a Comforter and Protector, He should ALSO be the Sovereign Lord, the BOSS, of my everyday life.  It's so easy to forget that because He isn't going to fight and force His will.  I have to open my arms to Him and allow Him access to every part of my life.  Tough to do, no doubt.

Anyway, today Tracy and I went to see Kimmie at her office downtown and met Tracy's sister-in-law and niece for lunch.  I LOVE the homes downtown because they each have such character and historical significance.  The pics I'm posting are a few years old, but these houses look the same today...  We met up with Nathan who is working in a house up the street from Kimmie's work, and he gave us a tour of the house.  It's SO neat an well-preserved.  

From Explore. Dream. Discover.

From Explore. Dream. Discover.

From Explore. Dream. Discover.

This evening, I went with Nicole and Tracy to a prayer meeting where we prayed for an hour, read some of the Bible, and lifted up the city of Charleston.  It was quite bonding for us to do that together.  When we finished praying, we went over to Tracy's brother's house.  He had come out to open mic night, and we decided that one of these days, we were going to busk together, so he pulled out his guitars and we practiced "Sweet Home Alabama," "Free Falling," and "Angel From Montgomery."  We had a blast just jamming as Nicole and Tracy provided backup vocals and percussion...  I swear, those girls are hysterical!

Anyway, Friday I plan on going to the dog park with Tracy, Owen, and Rose.  Owen is SO cute when he plays with the dogs!  Friday evening, everyone is getting together for Misha's birthday.  I'm going to eat with them, but I can't go to the comedy club with them... I'm not strapped for cash YET, but as soon as I start paying some bills, I'll be hurting.  So, I'm sticking to FREE or REALLY CHEAP activities right now.  

As for the job hunt, I've been stalking craigslist hoping for some leads, I've posted a notice on the facebook group for Kimmie's church, and told just about everyone willing to listen that I'm looking for a job.  I've been contacted about some jobs on boats, but I'm hoping that I can stay in town for a little while longer.  Things are so great here.  But, I'll go where the Lord leads me, even if I'll miss everyone terribly.  I'm concerned about my finances, but I'm not worried.  I know that if I'm where God wants me, He will provide for my needs... it's as simple as that.  

And with that, I am going to sign off.  

Broke but Happy...

Okay, so I have a few minutes to write before I head out for church this evening.

I'm still in Charleston, still jobless, and still sleeping on Kimmie's couch. Not much on the outside has changed. But, I'm happier and more content than I've ever been. Something has changed inside me, something is growing, and I can't quite pinpoint what it is or what I'm going to do with it, but it's transforming the way I look at myself and the world around me. Suffice to say that God is moving.

I'll have more to post later...

The Start of Something Good...

Okay, so I can't believe that it's already "technically" Wednesday. I'm still couch surfing at Kimmie's and, while I wake up with a backache every morning, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else... okay, I can think of some other places I'd rather be, but I know this is the RIGHT place for me right now.

Today I hung out with Tracy, one of the roommates. We woke up late, showered, and headed downtown to meet Kimmie and Susan for lunch. Our first adventure was parallel parking... every time Tracy tried to turn the wheel and back up, her car would moan and groan. It was HYSTERICAL. Actually, the entire DAY was pretty funny. We often found ourselves laughing hysterically about the dumbest things. And, even though I've only known her a few days, we ended up talking about some deep stuff, too. But, that's just Tracy. She's one of those people who makes you feel comfortable enough to pour your heart out to and act silly with. I've added another member into my Charleston family.

This evening, we went to a church service in North Charleston called Genesis. It was geared more toward younger twenties with rocking worship and pretty basic teaching, and honestly I wasn't in the mood to worship. But, Tracy and Nicole didn't give me a choice, and I'm glad they forced me to go. The only song I knew during worship was "The Remedy" by David Crowder Band and it broke me to tears. Both Nicole and Tracy just held me while I wept about everything that's been going on lately... It felt good, but I was still a bundle of nerves during the teaching and I had to fight hard to keep from breaking down again. I'm kinna glad that I'll have the day alone tomorrow. I plan on going for a run, doing some serious writing about what God wants me to do, and just basking in the silence of the house.

After the service, we went to Wild Wings with some friends of Nicole's. Turns out Tuesday night is their karaoke night, so Tracy FORCED me to get up there and sing "Before He Cheats" which is quickly becoming my signature song. I wasn't really digging the whole singing thing... didn't sing a bit at the service. Honestly, just haven't been feeling like it. But, I sang it anyway. Before too long, I was laughing and smiling... now, I still feel the burn of tears behind my eyes... sometimes even laughter and good times doesn't take away the sadness.

It flurried a bit today. I'm SO glad it's warming up, though, because I am completely unprepared for the cold! In FACT, I managed to rub a NASTY blister on my heel, so I'm now sporting my flip flops. I'm okay until I think about the fact that it's 35 degrees outside and my toes are naked. But Friday it's supposed to warm up a bit. Yay!

Oh, and Tracy and I went by the Charleston Marina today and I left my card with a broker and the dockmaster. I'm emailing my CV to them, so maybe I can drum up some work? Who knows...

Anyway, that's what's happening. Leave me a message. I need to smile.

Charleston... A.K.A. Home #3

Yesterday morning, I took off from Fort Liquordale -- said goodbye to the boat, sunshine, flip flops, and perhaps yachting... for a while at least... and headed north to my home away from home, Charleston -- saying hello to warm friendships, laughter, and a emotional recharge.

The drive was 10 hours -- including the little stop I made in Jacksonville and a 30 minute circle due to misreading the directions. Needless to say, after my iPod went out in three hours, I had plenty of time to think my way into anxiety. Yet, the closer I drew to my Camelot, the more at peace I became.

What was in Jacksonville? Well, I stopped by Chris's mom's house to drop off some of his things. With things the way they are right now, I have no idea when I'll see him again -- he's in the islands, I'm here... and his t-shirts are not exactly easy to replace. Of course, he probably could care less about the clothes, but well... I didn't want to keep them around either. So, I pulled into mom's driveway wondering if this was going to blow up in my face or not. Honestly, I hoped that she wouldn't be there, so I could just leave the stuff on the porch and run away. But, as fate would have it, she was home. Chris's mother is a wonderful lady who has all the grace and poise of any well-bred southern woman. She welcomed me into her home, gave me a warm hug, and offered me food and drink. We had a great talk about yachting, the economy, Charleston, and of course Chris. In the end, what I thought might end disastrous turned out to be better for me than I expected.

So, when I arrived in Charleston last night, the roommates, Nicole and Tracy, were headed to ballroom dancing. Apparently, every Saturday night they go to a club and dance their little hearts out. How AWESOME is that?! I've always wanted to learn ballroom dancing -- taken some lessons but never anything more than the basics -- and there are some willing male participants in the group of friends... YES! I can't WAIT until next saturday!

This morning, I went to church and the talk was about living a life of no regrets. Amazingly, the very spot I'm in right now is the perfect place. One of the principles was to live passionately -- take risks and trust God. Hmmm... yeah, I'm in a great spot to take some risks. I've never been one to gamble with finances (love and hair, no problem, but money? NO WAY!). At this point, I'm pretty much being FORCED to trust God for provision. I know He can do it, and I know that this time in my life is a great time to deepen my relationship and understanding of His promises.

This afternoon, I went with Kimmie to a photo shoot. It was raining and gross, but our model was fantastic and gorgeous! We ended up having a blast and bonding despite the frigid rain.

But through all of this, God has been working. Something big is brewing... On the way, I saw a billboard for the Charleston Boat Show next weekend. This week would be perfect for trying to drum up some day work helping prepare some boats. Also, vendors always need people to work, so maybe I can pick up some money doing that? More importantly, I can make some CONTACTS!

Also, one of the roomies, Beezee, just left her job teaching the high school at a local Christian school. I'm familiar with their curriculum, have a secondary ed degree... I dunno. It's a option, for sure.

Lots of people are asking me how long I'll be in town, and I honestly don't know. I would love to record some while I'm here, but I don't have the money to put into studio time -- even though it's SUPER cheap. More importantly, I don't want to wear out my welcome and impose on Kimmie's kindness. I just needed a refuge to think and seek and follow. Thank God it was here.

On the Road... AGAIN!

So, I've been packing my stuff into my bag... again... preparing to hit the road... again... and look for a job... again. I'm beginning to think / wonder if I maybe cursed myself by calling myself a gypsy? After all, I live out of my car for the most part, I can't seem to hold down a job, have a special passion for music, and I'm a bit of a rebel... Sounds exciting, eh? Well, it has it's good days. But, usually it's nerve-wracking and frustrating. I'm sure I'll enjoy it more if I just relaxed a little. Maybe some of my friends and family can spare a Xanax or two for the sake of charity?

I was writing in my personal journal (unseen by anyone but me!) about the whole situation and my words soon became a prayer. I started thinking about how Chris had told me back in November that I had the world at my feet, and before I realized it, I shook my head. "No," I wrote. "My world is at God's feet." And even as I wrote it, the most soothing peace washed over me. Like I was being dipped in a tub of warm water. And a voice tugged at my heart asking, "But what do YOU want to do, Laina?" I didn't have to think. I KNEW I wanted to go to Charleston.

So the plan for now is to head north. I'll freeze my butt off, but I hope that my heart is warmed and readied for the days ahead. I'm trusting in God to take care of me -- financially, especially -- as I obviously am incapable of taking care of myself... Who knows what sorts of amazing opportunities I'll come across up there? Of course, there's always the flip side -- who knows what I'll MISS out on down here? But, visiting Charleston is something I've been wanting to do for the better part of a year, and God is blessing me with the chance to do it. For the first time in a LONG time, I have peace as I leave. I don't know how long it's going to be before I get back on a boat, but I KNOW that God is with me wherever I may roam.

So, I am asking that those of you reading will pray for me on the next leg of my journey. Once again, the world has opened up for me, allowing me the chance to pursue music... Charleston also has yachts, so I'll take a trip over there to see what's happening. (The general consensus is that it'll be dead, though.)

Thank you again, and check out what I did yesterday in the post below!

Look what I made!!

Okay, so it's my 100th post! YIPPEE!! Release the balloons! Strike up the band! Toss the confetti! Or just look at these pictures! A fitting illustration of how far I've come in half a year...

Table Settings

I call this one "Jungle Fever"

From Explore. Dream. Discover.

From Explore. Dream. Discover.

This one is "Orchid Dream"

From Explore. Dream. Discover.

Beach Bliss

From Explore. Dream. Discover.

From Explore. Dream. Discover.

Some Towel Art

Ernie the Elephant

From Explore. Dream. Discover.

Monkey Business

From Explore. Dream. Discover.

Turn Downs -- Have to turn down the bed for guests and set out chilled water and a chocolate. AH! To be RICH! This picture is for a kid's turn down, and instead of chocolate, I've set out bubbles and a little water toy. FUN!

From Explore. Dream. Discover.

Fortune Cookie: Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.

Hmmm.... this could mean SO many things... Let's pray it my reward is expedient!

And the Lord sayeth unto me, "Thou shalt NOT be comfortable."

Funny how irony comes to bite you in the ass sometimes. I was just talking this morning (say 9 am) to my mom about my job and how I'm content to stay here for a year just to build up some time on my resume. No matter what the books may say, it does NOT look good to be a boat hopper. So, even though this isn't the kind of boat I want to work on, I was okay with taking the money and doing the job... biding my time, so to speak.

Well, damn if by noon, the captain comes in and says that the boss has decided to not have a stew aboard afterall... since the boat ISN'T moving, there is no sense in having someone dedicated to the interior. I understand where he's coming from, and honestly, I saw it coming... I was just crossing my fingers otherwise. At any rate, I'm to be off the boat on Friday. I don't know where I'm going to go, what I'm going to do, or how this little chapter will end, but I am slowly learning that God has interesting plans for me... and my family. Things have been rather difficult lately -- especially in the past week -- and as that great Amos Lee song goes, "You get right down to the bottom of the barrel and float back on top..." It's rather annoying how those great email catch phrases (When God closes a door, He opens a window; Hang in there; Everything happens for a reason...) have seemed to haunt me these last few hours as I try to plan and plot and figure out what my next step is going to be. Looks like I have some journaling ahead of me tonight.

So, pray for me as I go through these last few days aboard. I'm going to need grace, wisdom, and peace to get me through the days ahead...

Stagnant Waters...

Hello there, my admiring fans...

I do apologize for being so quiet this week... things have been rather rough with my internet connection, my personal life, and well life in general.

My internet connection: We moved the boat into a garage called "The Boat House" down here in Fort Lauderdale. It's a great little idea. The boat stays covered -- clean and out of storms. But, our satellite internet is cut off. My Mac (that I STILL think rocks the cashbox) isn't picking up the Boat House's internet signal, so I've been forced to "steal" internet from the bakery across the street... THAT means that every time I want to get online, I have to step outside the garage, either sitting on the street or using the captain's truck as a desk, and *hope* that my signal will take. This has meant that emails take longer to download and send, IM conversations are touch and go, and webpages take forever to download. Needless to say, I've only been doing the "essentials". Today, however, I decided to give myself and my readers a bit of a treat and "splurge" on some iced tea at the bakery ... thus "stealing" my internet fair and square. :o) A week of internet is surely well worth the price of a drink. (It was damn good iced tea, too!)

My personal life: Heh... lets just say, things aren't working out how I'd hoped, and all I really want are some answers. My heart tells me that the absence of answers my be all I'm going to get, and I'll just have to deal with that. I'm trying to.

Life in general: I'm not where I hoped I would be at this point in my career... Still sitting in the boat yard, not moving, when it seems like everyone else is going and seeing and living the quintessential yachtie life. I don't mean to complain. I have a job and it's paying my bills. Others in the industry would most certainly LOVE to be in my shoes -- even staying still -- but... well, things just haven't worked out the way I had hoped. Funny... things seldom do.

Anyway, I was determined to get off the boat today. Yesterday I spent the day holed up in my cabin reading my buddy Krista's novel. It was WELL WORTH the time, I assure you. I couldn't put it down! She sent me the first few chapters of her first novel, and I can't WAIT to get into this one! The stinky thing about Fort Lauderdale is there isn't much to do around here unless you want to pay an exorbitant amount to park at the beach -- I could always take the bus, I suppose -- or drink yourself into oblivion. I could go to the mall, but what's the sense when I'm not in the mood to shop? I could go for a run, but I hate to run and it's a health hazard with all the crazy drivers around. It's too cold to swim, we don't have our intreped with us so I can't make Victor take me out manatee hunting... Oh well... I should make plans to do something next weekend... maybe visit my uncle Steffan's parents in Melbourne or fly up to Charleston to record some music... I really don't have the money to fly to Chuck-town, but I NEED to get some tracks laid down if I'm going to make some headway into the industry.

Okay, so that's a brief overview of where I am for those of you who love me so much that you keep up with me better than I keep up with myself... I love you SO much! Oh! And remember, when you leave me a message, make sure you leave your name at the end! Sometimes I can't tell who messaged me on here! Thanks!

Before You Said Goodbye...

Okay, so as ALWAYS seems to happen, just when I NEED to sleep, I can't... and my Muse decides to work overtime. So, with two hours left before I am to crank the car and begin a 12-hour journey back to the boat, I am struck with a poem that I must get out because it's too genius NOT to record. Of course, it's also midnight, so I could re-read it tomorrow and realize this is all crap, but for now, I must share my slimy, slithering, bawling new child with the world.

Before you said goodbye we were comfortable...
... like faded blue jeans with holes in the knees and frayed hems
... like a nap in a hammock, swaying with the breeze and snuggled with the sunshine
... like a fire crackling on a misty winter afternoon.

But now, I am tortured...
... like a telephone that refuses to ring, silently screaming my loneliness
... like a dog, dead on the side of the road
... like a chocolate valentine melted and forgotten.


As always, I welcome feedback, even the negative... this kinda came out of something I'm experiencing right now, but I'm not sure if we are quite finished yet. It's complicated. But I do feel tortured and forgotten... whether he means me to or not.